My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
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whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.