I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
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Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
The opposite of “Free Willy” is “Predestinationy.”
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
My dog is such a narcissist she’ll only fetch selfie sticks.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down