Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
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I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.