The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
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Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no