teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
You Might Also Like
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime