Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
You Might Also Like
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I think I’m having a stroke
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago