Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
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Art by Pastelkatto
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
sweet dreams💖
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
i dont have time for this
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.