I was really pissed at my boyfriend for not calling me all day.
Then I remembered he’s imaginary.
So I’m good.
Teach your children about rejection by getting them a cat
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[hiding in the bushes]
Me:*whispering*they can’t see me
Cops: Sir. Your light up shoes are still flashing.
Sneaks into your house and removes all the labels from your canned goods. Shuffles them well.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
DATE: So, tell me about your job
ME: It’s dumb & boring
ME: *starts eating date’s food* This is for asking a bad question