Teach your children about rejection by getting them a cat

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I was really pissed at my boyfriend for not calling me all day.

Then I remembered he’s imaginary.

So I’m good.


[hiding in the bushes]

Me:*whispering*they can’t see me

Cops: Sir. Your light up shoes are still flashing.


Sneaks into your house and removes all the labels from your canned goods. Shuffles them well.


These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.


Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce


This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.


DATE: So, tell me about your job
ME: It’s dumb & boring
ME: *starts eating date’s food* This is for asking a bad question