@daplusk

Teach your children about rejection by getting them a cat

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@bakerbakerbaker

friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?

@GeorgiaSweet20

[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.

@iGreenMonk

Wish there was a pill I could put in a girl’s drink, that would make her do my taxes.

@pilau

S tay
T he
A fuck
Y at

A home
T you

H stupid
O selfish
M bastards
E ggs

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.

@kDuncanG

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

@SentenceReduced

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

@bea_ker

“Did you guys see me get so mad I flipped a table?”

Yes Tony, we saw it. You’re 46. You have to stop taking your skateboard to restaurants.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: You’re really on a roll today.

Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.