*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
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Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.