The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
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It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.