As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
You Might Also Like
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
When I said I liked it rough.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.