Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
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1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
“What movie?” 🤔
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?