[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
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I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
man: wait
time: no
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.