@abbycohenwl

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
T: No-[sees it’s almost 3 pm] Magic

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@cakickboxher

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

@tmulannn

Life of a Uni student
1. You wake up?You ask yourself why you woke up
2. You go to lecture you start writing then the lecturer changes the slide then you stop writing and you start online shopping or playing games
3. You go home and wonder why you even went it.

@AnOrangeSNES

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

@Glenny_Baby

I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.

@The_MartiniGirl

Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.

@AndyAsAdjective

What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.

@patnspankme

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…