Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
T: No-[sees it’s almost 3 pm] Magic

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I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.


Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.


Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?


Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…


Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!


I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.


It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.



If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?