Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*


“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

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[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed


Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing


“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”


gunshot loudness: 160 decibels
Accidentally dropping down toilet seat rim: 8,000


Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.


EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…


I started taking Metamucil today in case you’re looking for a regular hero.


Just once I’d like to see a celebrity show up to the red carpet in jeans and be like, “Oh, was this today? I was just in the neighborhood.”


Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.