Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
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Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Always 🥴
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else