Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
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I love emoji. No longer do I have to type out “This weather is yellow face with hearts instead of eyes”
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
All you people who chose “The Real” or “Official” before your Twitter handle really thought ahead of the game there. Well done, guys.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I have performance enhancing shrugs.