Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

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Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan


I love emoji. No longer do I have to type out “This weather is yellow face with hearts instead of eyes”


opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are


All you people who chose “The Real” or “Official” before your Twitter handle really thought ahead of the game there. Well done, guys.


Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”


me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not


genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-

me: no i’m sure this is my wish


mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup


chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes