@crmotwo

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

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@stevevsninjas

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

@NicestHippo

I love emoji. No longer do I have to type out “This weather is yellow face with hearts instead of eyes”

@kelllicopter

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

@IncrediblyRich

All you people who chose “The Real” or “Official” before your Twitter handle really thought ahead of the game there. Well done, guys.

@stephenjmolloy

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

@SketchesbyBoze

me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not

@Shen_the_Bird

genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-

me: no i’m sure this is my wish

[elsewhere]

mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup

@HepatitisAtoZ

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes