Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
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Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?