teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

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Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.


Him: I like powerful women.

Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*


I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.


Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF


me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone


My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..


Tell me, “everything happens for a reason” so I know you’re an idiot.


“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds


[first day as a doctor]

me: u have breaked both your legs

patient: damn! so now?

me: we will be putting ur legs in a bowl of rice