Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
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Him: I like powerful women.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Tell me, “everything happens for a reason” so I know you’re an idiot.
All the time.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
[first day as a doctor]
me: u have breaked both your legs
patient: damn! so now?
me: we will be putting ur legs in a bowl of rice