teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]

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TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it


Netflix: Want to keep watching?

Me: Do we really need to do this?

Netflix: It’s just, it’s been 75 hours and I can hear your kids crying.


[At a bank using a 4 color ball point pen]

*scrawls on napkin*

*Red* Put [click]
*Green* $$$ [click]
*Black* In [click]
*Blue* Bag [click]


when I hit 45 I’m going to start sleeping in a coffin. let’s be honest, my lifestyle choices have been questionable


Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.


You do a lot of yoga?
So you must be really…(winks) annoying


AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-


Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing