I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
[opens hawk cage]
RELEASE THE BEES
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TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Netflix: Want to keep watching?
Me: Do we really need to do this?
Netflix: It’s just, it’s been 75 hours and I can hear your kids crying.
[At a bank using a 4 color ball point pen]
*scrawls on napkin*
*Red* Put [click]
*Green* $$$ [click]
*Black* In [click]
*Blue* Bag [click]
when I hit 45 I’m going to start sleeping in a coffin. let’s be honest, my lifestyle choices have been questionable
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
You do a lot of yoga?
So you must be really…(winks) annoying
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing