Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
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Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
wtf is an acronym
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.