TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
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How your email finds me
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice