did…. my mom post something funny… on facebook..
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
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Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee and watched at least 45 minutes of archived Ted Bundy trial footage.
Me: This is nice
Mattress Salesman: Sir, I am done with this so called “test run”
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Coworker: Do you party?
Me: Well I do schedule two nights a month that I stay up past 11pm. So yeah.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
She:I’m furious with my son He’s playing Doctor with Neighbor’s daughter
He:Its curiosity about sex
She:Sex? He’s taken her appendix out
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.