Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
You Might Also Like
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Well, that didn’t work.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.