Teacher: don’t do drugs, kids

Also teacher: here’s a kaleidoscope, go listen to songs about dragons

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Mr. Jones, did you or did you not have an affair with the victim, Diana?
Oh really. And what’s your first name?
[jury gasps]


FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.


When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.


[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]


Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would


GF: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

ME: That’ll be great, we really need the beds


There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.


friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder


“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”


Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks