@portmanteauface

Teacher: don’t do drugs, kids

Also teacher: here’s a kaleidoscope, go listen to songs about dragons

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@NicestHippo

Mr. Jones, did you or did you not have an affair with the victim, Diana?
“No!”
Oh really. And what’s your first name?
“Indiana”
[jury gasps]

@Cheeseboy22

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

@simoncholland

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

@RobertManchild

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

@prufrockluvsong

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

@ArfMeasures

GF: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

ME: That’ll be great, we really need the beds

@shariv67

There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.

@BlindChow

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

@LuckoftheDraw86

“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”

@LlamaInaTux

Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks