Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
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My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright