Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
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Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Jesus Christ lmao
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles