@WildeThingy

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

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@Brentweets

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

@drinksmcgee

Me: C’mon, baby. Send me a pic.
Her: I dunno.
Me: Baby, please. I need it.
Her: Fine.

*Opens pic of pug dressed like a duck*

Me: Sweeeeeet

@ibid78

DISPATCH: we have a report of a robbery in progress four blocks from your current location
HOT AIR BALLOON COP: I’ll be there in 80 days

@mattingebretson

My personal tradition at every wedding I go to is to wish the bride and groom happy birthday

@JohnLyonTweets

This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.

@PhoenixRises69

Asked my 65yo mom what she’d like for Christmas and she said “Surprise me”.

Hope she likes her new pet python.

@robfee

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.