Falling in love on Twitter.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
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“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Me: C’mon, baby. Send me a pic.
Her: I dunno.
Me: Baby, please. I need it.
*Opens pic of pug dressed like a duck*
DISPATCH: we have a report of a robbery in progress four blocks from your current location
HOT AIR BALLOON COP: I’ll be there in 80 days
My personal tradition at every wedding I go to is to wish the bride and groom happy birthday
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Asked my 65yo mom what she’d like for Christmas and she said “Surprise me”.
Hope she likes her new pet python.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.