Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

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I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him


Me: C’mon, baby. Send me a pic.
Her: I dunno.
Me: Baby, please. I need it.
Her: Fine.

*Opens pic of pug dressed like a duck*

Me: Sweeeeeet


DISPATCH: we have a report of a robbery in progress four blocks from your current location
HOT AIR BALLOON COP: I’ll be there in 80 days


My personal tradition at every wedding I go to is to wish the bride and groom happy birthday


This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.


Asked my 65yo mom what she’d like for Christmas and she said “Surprise me”.

Hope she likes her new pet python.


No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.