Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
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I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
me: dogs have 4 legs
me: so do tables
me: so dogs are tables
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
some people want to be buried when they die. others want to be cremated. personally, I think I would like to be brought back to life
apartment hunting is going well
The girl at the Baskins-Robbins thinks Leonardo da Vinci was “in that Titanic movie”. Now my ice cream tastes like stupid.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.