Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
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*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone