@jharden21

teacher: i’m considering moving the test to next week. you guys down with that?

me (too loud): down like the dog at the end of marley & me!

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@QwertyJones3

“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”

-Inventor of the jersey

@astutenewf

Her:How long before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”

Dr.:No one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.

@Carbosly

There is no life on earth without water.nBecause without water, there is no coffee.nAnd without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

@bobvulfov

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honeyโ€”get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats

@The_JRM

5yo’s pretending she’s a tourist at a hotel. All good, but I draw the line when my services are criticized because the “toilet’s too cold.”

@lil_escher

summer is the worst time of the year to turn goth what the shit was i thinking

@ClichedOut

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…