teacher: i’m considering moving the test to next week. you guys down with that?

me (too loud): down like the dog at the end of marley & me!

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“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”

-Inventor of the jersey


Her:How long before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”

Dr.:No one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.


There is no life on earth without water.nBecause without water, there is no coffee.nAnd without coffee, I’ll kill you all.


Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing


BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honeyโ€”get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats


5yo’s pretending she’s a tourist at a hotel. All good, but I draw the line when my services are criticized because the “toilet’s too cold.”


summer is the worst time of the year to turn goth what the shit was i thinking


I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.


Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…