TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
You Might Also Like
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it