If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
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My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors