@fro_vo

Teacher: remember class, there are no stupid questions
Me: *raises hand*
Teacher: i just said, no stupid questions
Me: *lowers hand*

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@xLiserx

So you’re telling me we can land a spacecraft remotely on Mars, yet, very few men in my office can pee directly into a stationary toilet?

@ruslg1

My one night stand is pissed because I broke the other one.

@BillMc7

My neighbor is a micro biologist.
I’ve never seen him.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

@Shade510

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

@RoastedPapad

[Interview]
HR – What are your strengths and weaknesses ?
Me – WiFi Password and WiFi Signal.

@TheHyyyype

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit

@BoomBoomBetty

[seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

@donttouchjames

when i was a child i had a huge crush on a girl for like 2 years and one day she told me she liked me and i panicked and replied “i don’t care” and walked away

@dxblarssonENG

“No Karen I don’t want to see pics of your ugly kids & stupid cats” or as I usually say: “Awww how cute”