[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
You Might Also Like
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me