TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
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I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
reviewed some movies recently
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.