teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
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Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?