teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
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This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Every work meeting this week
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?