teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
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I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.