Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
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my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
The answer is funnier than the question
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house