Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
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GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
IPhone: you sure?
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Y’all ready for this
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie