Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
*puts a gun against a magician’s back
Me and you are going to get all the quarters, from behind all the ears
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.