Teacher: welcome to health class

Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?

Teacher: sir please just mop the floor

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Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon


[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.


Them: “Live in the moment!”



I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.


WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man


My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone


*puts a gun against a magician’s back

Me and you are going to get all the quarters, from behind all the ears


Wife: what are you watching?

Me: See II

Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?

Me: not till it’s over


If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors


Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.