@kellysdf Apparently, if you Google “boss” and “chloroform” from your work computer, it sets off an alarm somewhere.
@tweetsbyrocket teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up
me: happy
teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations
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@kellysdf 
@skedaddle74 I know it’s not on any calendar but it’s “put on clean underwear” day.
You’re welcome.
@PoshTick gf: house hunting is so boring
me: [unloading crossbow into wall] yeah there’s not much of a challenge to it
@impaulmccoy I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
@CharmandBrains Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
@DrunksWithGuns Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
@owlbacon They should make realistic pregnancy test commercials. 2 best friends in a bathroom praying for a neg & celebrating w a shot & a happy dance
@MissHavisham 7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
@Pork_Chop_Hair I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.