@tweetsbyrocket

teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up

me: happy

teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations

You Might Also Like

@AimeeHelene1

Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.

It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.

@AndrewNadeau0

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

@10InchesPlus

The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.

@fro_vo

ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho

@markedly

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

@therealeatwood

GURU: You have achieved the state of sak?d?g?min: you will reach nirv??a within seven lifetimes

ME: [slipping him a $20] How about six

@NoorShamma

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

@Jamie_Margolin

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES