@tweetsbyrocket teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up
me: happy
teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations
@adambedders Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
@robdelaney Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
@DumbPeoplePosts A new breed of stupid…
@junejuly12 Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
@daisy_gi11 Anybody else always feel at least a little panic when their 6 says he “really needs scissors, like right now!”?
@dyldonot [first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
@handsock_butts ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
@QwertyJones3 Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
@Wine_Honey1 When placing an order online for a baby shower cake, make sure you’re not half asleep.
COPULATIONS! IT’S A BOY just confuses everyone.
@ComedyPosts Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.