@tweetsbyrocket

teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up

me: happy

teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations

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@Bez

When someone texts “whatcha doin” after midnight the appropriate response is “someone else” even if you’re just eatin’ pizza all alone.

@PeachCoffin

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

@JasonLight73

Duck you AutoCorrect! You Blimb! I’m way more BadApps than you make me out to be! You Ducking piece of shed..BuckFace Toothless Bastilleday!

@CornOnTheGoblin

? Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ?
and I just pooooed ?

@Brampersandon_

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

@AudreyPorne

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

@TheMichaelRock

8yo: can you tell me a story?

Me: sure. Your mom and I get ice cream after you go to bed every night.

8yo: WHAT?!

Me: goodnight, buddy.

@MichaelTrying

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

@TheMichaelRock

Me: The bathroom

Wife: What?

Me: I was about to get off the couch and just wanted to stop you before you asked where I was going.

@roxiqt

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.