@tweetsbyrocket

teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up

me: happy

teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations

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@adambedders

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

@robdelaney

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

@junejuly12

Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.

@daisy_gi11

Anybody else always feel at least a little panic when their 6 says he “really needs scissors, like right now!”?

@dyldonot

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

@handsock_butts

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

@QwertyJones3

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?

@Wine_Honey1

When placing an order online for a baby shower cake, make sure you’re not half asleep.

COPULATIONS! IT’S A BOY just confuses everyone.

@ComedyPosts

Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.

Food: Are you sure.

Me: No.