Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
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SNOW WHITE: so how鈥檇 you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 馃幎
Him: Mom what鈥檚 a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we鈥檙e lovers?
Stranger:馃槼
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I鈥檓 spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn鈥檛 your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she鈥檇 maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 馃檮
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
[Psychiatrist鈥檚 Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
somebody come look at this
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 馃槵
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it鈥檚 like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans