@AimeeHelene1
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
@tweetsbyrocket
teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up
me: happy
teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations
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@AimeeHelene1
@AndrewNadeau0
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
@10InchesPlus
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
@Peauxtassium
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
@fro_vo
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
@northpacific
“You’re not the pizza guy.” Bin Laden’s last words.
@markedly
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
@therealeatwood
GURU: You have achieved the state of sak?d?g?min: you will reach nirv??a within seven lifetimes
ME: [slipping him a $20] How about six
@NoorShamma
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
@Jamie_Margolin
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES