@tweetsbyrocket

teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up

me: happy

teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations

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@kellysdf

Apparently, if you Google “boss” and “chloroform” from your work computer, it sets off an alarm somewhere.

@skedaddle74

I know it’s not on any calendar but it’s “put on clean underwear” day.

You’re welcome.

@PoshTick

gf: house hunting is so boring

me: [unloading crossbow into wall] yeah there’s not much of a challenge to it

@impaulmccoy

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

@CharmandBrains

Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!

@DrunksWithGuns

Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.

Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.

M:

H: Please leave Home Depot.

@owlbacon

They should make realistic pregnancy test commercials. 2 best friends in a bathroom praying for a neg & celebrating w a shot & a happy dance

@MissHavisham

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.