@tweetsbyrocket

teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up

me: happy

teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations

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@AsYouNotWish

Wife: How many women have u slept with?

Husband: Only you, Honey. With everyone else, I was awake.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

@UnFitz

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

@shadonium

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

@Spaziotwat

I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper

@AndyAsAdjective

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

@Jc1Johnny

If a woman wants to date me, she has to meet my strict criteria

1. Hair
2. At least one eye
3. A pulse
4. Not that bothered about 1

@lecalabara

“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds

@WheelTod

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

@ThatgyalKrys

Black Mirror really outdid themselves this time. Having us EXPERIENCE season 6 instead of watching it on Netflix? Remarkable really