Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
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the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!