Wife: How many women have u slept with?
Husband: Only you, Honey. With everyone else, I was awake.
teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up
teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations
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4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: Unless I had ketchup.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Her: Show me your pics
Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
If a woman wants to date me, she has to meet my strict criteria
2. At least one eye
3. A pulse
4. Not that bothered about 1
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Black Mirror really outdid themselves this time. Having us EXPERIENCE season 6 instead of watching it on Netflix? Remarkable really