Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
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People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
💯😂
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*