@iamkaamchor

Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”

Me: “The lunch bell.”

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@Seinfeld2000

7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

@murrman5

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

@juliussharpe

Meet your girlfriend’s brother then realize you’re screwing the female version of a guy.

@Mehrwane

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

@wendchymes

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

@Sorrowscopes

Libra: You wake up fastened to a wooden stake. People in goat masks are dancing around a bonfire. We’ll be honest. Things don’t look good.

@GrantTanaka

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

@hogrider05

Was having a bad day so I tried the whole pulling up big girl panties thing.
She didn’t appreciate the wedgie but I did feel better after.

@Gooooats

Drive by shootings are just one more example of Americans being too lazy to get out of their cars.