Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”

Me: “The lunch bell.”

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7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter


Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor


you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.


Meet your girlfriend’s brother then realize you’re screwing the female version of a guy.


Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.


My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .


Libra: You wake up fastened to a wooden stake. People in goat masks are dancing around a bonfire. We’ll be honest. Things don’t look good.


1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse


Was having a bad day so I tried the whole pulling up big girl panties thing.
She didn’t appreciate the wedgie but I did feel better after.


Drive by shootings are just one more example of Americans being too lazy to get out of their cars.