Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
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Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Florida be like…
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
courtroom exchange of the day
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.