teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
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“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Just me?
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.