What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
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“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
HR: Do you know why I called you in here today?
Me: I have a boyfriend
HR: Ok, sorry to bother you
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Got invited to a pool party on Sunday. I have 17 hours to get into shape
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
I always click the unfollow button with my middle finger .
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name