@Skoogeth

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

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@KalvinMacleod

[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?

@sweet_pea707

HR: Do you know why I called you in here today?

Me: I have a boyfriend

HR: Ok, sorry to bother you

@Michabean

My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.

@deankarrier

Got invited to a pool party on Sunday. I have 17 hours to get into shape

@junejuly12

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

@caithuls

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name