What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
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Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Biden: “Jiraiya is in a better pla…”
Obama: “I don’t wanna talk about it”
god: awful nice planet you got there
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
FRIEND: Women like an adventure
[later on phone]
ME: Are you having fun?
DATE: *clearly upset* YOU LEFT ME IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.