Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

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What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake


Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now


I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.


My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”

No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.

I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.


Biden: “Jiraiya is in a better pla…”

Obama: “I don’t wanna talk about it”


god: awful nice planet you got there

earth: thanks

god: it’d be a shame if someone…

earth: please don’t

god: created humanity


FRIEND: Women like an adventure
ME: Okay
[later on phone]
ME: Are you having fun?


Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.


There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.