Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
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Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Don’t forget to tip your server
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon