You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
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me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT