Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
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it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Stop sending me this shit.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
I’m sorry…what?
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.