Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
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Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name