Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce

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Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.


The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.


People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.


GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use


my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work


today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower


A popcorn necklace is a nice way to tell someone you want them to be attacked by birds.


I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.


By the third kid you say stuff like “here’s a dollar. Throw your tooth in the garbage and the Tooth fairy will pick it out later.”