Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
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Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.