Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
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I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Turmeric is trending which will if nothing else, alert people to that first r in the spelling.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Magneto: *re-doing his hotel key card at the front desk for the 12th time*
Manager: are you carrying it in the same pocket as your phone?
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
I like your style, Murray.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?