Her: I’ve had gray hairs since I was 16.
Me: I got my grays after I got married.
Hubs: I CAN HEAR YOU!
Me: AND I LOVE MY GRAYS, HONEY!
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
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I don’t steal my tweets from song lyrics!
Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
911 – wats ur emergency?
– i got stuck in some magnets
911 – who are u?
– Iron man
Whenever I’m picking up my wife I skid to a stop by her & yell “Come with me if you want to live!” so she knows she married pure awesomeness
Not saying obamacare is perfect but the data doesn’t lie. With Obamacare there’ve been zero Hitlers. Before obamacare there was at least one
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Ant: did you find any food for the queen
Super fat ant: the what