Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
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An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins