Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy

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Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.


I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”


Turmeric is trending which will if nothing else, alert people to that first r in the spelling.


Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence



ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or


Magneto: *re-doing his hotel key card at the front desk for the 12th time*

Manager: are you carrying it in the same pocket as your phone?

Magneto: *glaring*


How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’


[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.


Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.


I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?