Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
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Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Lmao
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
O Wise One….
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment