Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
You Might Also Like
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.