“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
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Cop: Do you see the guy who ate your plants?
Cop: *waving leaf* Wildebeest step forward?
WB: *drooling* Goddamnit
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Me: One food please.
The lady at the bakery who draws her eyebrows on is looking extra surprised today