@TheToddWilliams

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

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@UnFitz

“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.

Sunday, slutty Sunday.

@AnkCoupleTO

[police lineup]

Cop: Do you see the guy who ate your plants?
Me: Nope
Cop: *waving leaf* Wildebeest step forward?
WB: *drooling* Goddamnit

@jake_likes_naps

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

@LostFelicia

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

@comer310

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

@mdob11

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

@McGrumpenstein

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

@rachaelkelly18

The lady at the bakery who draws her eyebrows on is looking extra surprised today