Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
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Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
worst…sale…ever
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.