Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
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My 4-year-old: My underwear is trying to kill me.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
“Tell me why I shouldn’t report you to HR?” The doctor yelled at me when I used the defibrillator wrong. “I don’t work here” I yelled back.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
When I was 12 I ate a bee to impress a girl, and she just sent me a friend request on Facebook. So, mission accomplished.
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.