teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

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I don’t trust rabbits…

Anything that’s happy with just lettuce is suspicious


WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .


The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard


If you play a NIickelback song backwards you’ll hear messages from the illuminant.Even worse, if you play it forward you’ll hear NIickelback


Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team


Oh, elderly neighbor: You defeated Hitler, yet you somehow can’t figure out the car alarm?


HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.


I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault