@panmidwest

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

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@CaptPinkbeard

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

@UnFitz

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

@Lexi__Alexandra

“Tell me why I shouldn’t report you to HR?” The doctor yelled at me when I used the defibrillator wrong. “I don’t work here” I yelled back.

@AnkCoupleTO

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

@Cpin42

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

@jake_lach

When I was 12 I ate a bee to impress a girl, and she just sent me a friend request on Facebook. So, mission accomplished.

@david8hughes

[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.

@squirrel74wkgn

My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.