teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
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“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
sistine chapel
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
cry laughing at this shit
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.