@panmidwest

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

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@ThaJawn

I don’t trust rabbits…

Anything that’s happy with just lettuce is suspicious

@fro_vo

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

@PunLovinLad

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

@LOsepyan

If you play a NIickelback song backwards you’ll hear messages from the illuminant.Even worse, if you play it forward you’ll hear NIickelback

@FadeAway2

Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team

@ChrisRRegan

Oh, elderly neighbor: You defeated Hitler, yet you somehow can’t figure out the car alarm?

@theevilwriter

HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.

@seamussaid

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault