teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
You Might Also Like
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Story of my life…..
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.